Improve your relationship with your spouse! Gain life-changing insights on:·What boundaries are, why they're vital to a healthy marriage, and how each partner can establish them·How values form the structure and architecture of marriage·How to protect your marriage from intruders, whether other people or personal idols·How to work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries-and a spouse who doesn'tIt Takes Two Individuals to Become One FleshOnly when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries in Marriage gives the couples in your group the tools they need. By applying the powerful biblical and relational principles presented in this ZondervanGroupware ", couples can make a good marriage better and even save one that's headed for disaster.This leader's guide gives you the clear, step-by-step instructions you need to maximize interaction, support, and insights within your group. Most of the preparation has been done for you-just follow the easy-to-use lesson plan, complete with helpful tips. Because this book includes the full text of the participant's guide, it's the only guidebook you need to track page-for-page with your group.[Sidebar]Boundaries in Marriage sessions:1.What's a Boundary, Anyway?2.Applying the Ten Laws of Boundaries to Marriage3.Setting Boundaries with Yourself4.Values One and Two: Love of God and Love of Spouse5.Values Three and Four: Honesty and Faithfulness6.Values Five and Six: Compassion and Forgiveness, and Holiness7.Resolving Conflict in Marriage8.Some Warning Signs to Help Your MarriageBoundaries in Marriage kit includes:1 - 105-minute VHS & DVD included-use either one1 - Leader's guide*1 - Participant's guide*1 - Boundaries in Marriage softcover book**Also sold separately

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are popular speakers, psychologists, cohosts of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and cofounders of Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. Both graduated with doctorates in clinical psychology from Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology at Biola University, and both maintain practices in Newport Beach, California. They are best-selling coauthors of a number of books

Boundaries in Marriage Leader’s GuideCopyright © 2002 by Henry Cloud and John TownsendRequests for information should be addressed to:Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530ISBN-10: 0-310-24614-8ISBN-13: 978-0-310-24614-5All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan.All rights reserved.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmittedin any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for briefquotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite 1000, Literary Agent,Orange, CA.Interior design by Rob MonacelliPrinted in the United States of America05 06 07 08 09 10 • 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3Session One What’s a Boundary?BEFORE YOU LEADKey Points• Love is at the heart of marriage, but it is not enough. The marriage relationshipneeds other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients are freedom andresponsibility.• For intimacy in marriage to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.• In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginningand the end of something.• If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who “owns” thingssuch as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. I know to whom they “belong.” And ifthere is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs aswell.• When spouses are free to not react to each other, each takes responsibility for hisor her own issues and loves the other person even when he or she does notdeserve it. Free from each other’s control, each gives love to the other freely,and that love transforms the individuals and produces growth in their marriage.• Words (especially the word no), truth about God and about who you are, consequences,emotional distance, geographical distance, other people, and time (asin “time away from”) are some examples of boundaries.• We are responsible for our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, choices,thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of which lie within ourboundaries.SynopsisMarriage is about love. It is being bound together by the care, need, companionship,and values of two people, which can overcome hurt, immaturity, and selfishnessto form something better than what each person alone can produce. Yetwhile love is at the heart of marriage, it is not enough. The marriage relationshipneeds other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredientsare freedom and responsibility.While many things go into producing and maintaining love, overand over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. Whenboundaries break down, marriages break down as well. For intimacy todevelop and grow, there must be boundaries. In the simplest sense, aboundary is a property line. If I know where the boundaries are in ourrelationship, I know who “owns” things such as feelings, attitudes, andbehaviors. I know to whom they “belong.” And if there is a problemwith one of those feelings, attitudes, or behaviors, I know to whom theproblem belongs as well.A marriage relationship requires that each partner have a sense ofownership of himself or herself. The first way in which clarifyingboundaries helps us is to define where one person ends and the otherbegins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me?If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsiblefor it, then we are in the driver’s seat of change.Freedom, responsibility, and love—something incredible happensas these three ingredients of relationship work together. As love grows,spouses become freer from the things that enslave: self-centeredness,sinful patterns, past hurts, and other self-imposed limitations. Theygain a greater and greater sense of self-control and responsibility. Asthey act more responsibly, they become more loving.Put differently, when spouses are free to not react to the other,they take responsibility for their own issues, and they love the otherperson even when he or she does not deserve it. Free from each other’scontrol, they give love to each other freely, and that love transformsthe individuals and produces growth in their marriage.We’ll look at Stephanie and Steve’s marriage in light of this triangleof freedom, responsibility, and love. Stephanie was suffering from theemotional distance that being on the wrong side of a one-sided relationshipcreates. But she took some steps to change that relationship.First, she figured out where she ended and where Steve began. Whenshe did, she realized that there was really very little of her in the marriage.She had adapted to her husband and had complied with him somuch that she could no longer even remember what it felt like to beherself. But she realized that she could not blame Steve for her loss ofherself. She was the one who, afraid of conflict, had complied with hiswishes. She had to take ownership of her passivity.At this point in her journey, Stephanie made a mature decision. Shetook responsibility for her own misery and began to work on it in therelationship. She didn’t—as many people do—leave the relationship inorder to “find herself.” Nothing is farther from “getting boundaries” thanleaving a relationship! Boundaries in marriage are about healing relationships,not ending them.As Stephanie took ownership and responsibility for her life, Steve was forced totake responsibility for his own, and their marriage improved. Steve also learned tolove Stephanie’s freedom. He began to be attracted by her independence instead ofthreatened by it. Their love grew, and they grew as individuals as well. They becamebetter defined, more free and responsible, and more in a position to love and beloved. This is the high calling God created marriage to be.Session Outline (52 minutes)I. Introduction (8 minutes)A. Welcome (5 minutes)B. Opening Prayer (1 minute)C. Overview (2 minutes)II. Discovery (42 minutes)A. Video Segment: Stephanie’s Story (2 minutes)B. Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror (5 minutes)C. Video Segment: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (3 minutes)D. Time to Talk: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (10 minutes)E. Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage (7 minutes)F. Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines (15 minutes)III. Wrap-up (2 minutes)Recommended Reading“A Tale of Two Couples” and “What’s a Boundary, Anyway?” the introductionand chapter 1 in Boundaries in MarriageSession One: What’s a Boundary, Anyway? 15

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Excerpted from Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
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