| Introduction |
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1 | (24) |
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True intelligent design is the unerring scythe of natural selection. |
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What, Me Worry? Why There Are Darwin Awards |
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2 | (2) |
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4 | (3) |
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7 | (1) |
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8 | (4) |
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History of the Darwin Awards |
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12 | (2) |
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14 | (3) |
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Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous: Evidence for Intelligent Design |
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17 | (7) |
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24 | (1) |
| CHAPTER 1 Vehicles |
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25 | (40) |
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Motorcycles, trucks, trains, cars, snowmobiles, mopeds, a wheel-chair, and one mountain bike—wheels spark a powerful urge to test mechanical limits. |
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The stories in this chapter show that humans still have a long way to go, in evolving to cope with the ubiquitous dangers of our transportation system. |
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Discussion: AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution |
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26 | (4) |
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Darwin Award: Daring Feet |
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30 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Rutting Contest |
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31 | (2) |
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33 | (3) |
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Darwin Award: Auto Blotto |
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36 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Stepping Out |
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37 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: The Nuisance of Seat Belts |
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39 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Terminal Creativity |
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40 | (1) |
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41 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Tree vs. Man |
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42 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Tunnel Vision |
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43 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Dope on a Rope |
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45 | (3) |
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Darwin Award: Death Valley Daze |
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48 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Tree Hard, Head Empty |
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50 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Heck on Wheels |
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51 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Self-Demolition Derby |
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52 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Asphalt Tattoo |
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53 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Overheated Engine |
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54 | (3) |
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Honorable Mention: Clean Brake |
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57 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Happy Camper |
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58 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Picture-Perfect Cop |
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59 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: New Hog |
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60 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Blast from the Past |
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61 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Brake Care |
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62 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Wild Wheelchair Ride |
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63 | (2) |
| CHAPTER 2 Water |
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65 | (24) |
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Water covers 70 percent of the Earth's surface, so it's little wonder that this is the medium in which many Darwin demises occur. |
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We herein encounter the dangers of "snowmoboating," the tide, frozen rivers, raging rivers, two waterfalls, one bungee cord, and even the kitchen sink! |
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Dive into stories featuring water, where one soon sees that our evolutionary adaptations are not yet complete. |
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Discussion: Aquatic Apes Are People, Too! |
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66 | (5) |
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Darwin Award: Snowmoboater |
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71 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Second Time's the Charm |
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73 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Man Drowns in Kitchen Sink |
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75 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Tide Waits for No Man |
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76 | (1) |
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77 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Bottom of the Barrel |
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79 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Hurricane Blumpkin |
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81 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: A Closer Look at Victoria Falls |
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82 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat |
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83 | (4) |
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Honorable Mention: Go with the Floe |
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87 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Do-It-Yourself Bass Boat |
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88 | (1) |
| CHAPTER 3 Women |
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89 | (28) |
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Few women win Darwin Awards, but this book is lucky enough to have a strong selection of female applicants. |
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We have a spy, two explosions, pilot sex and street sex, a desperate smoker, a gymnast, an amateur mechanic, and a thief. |
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We also have a Jet a hurricane, a raging river, a roller coaster, gasoline, and an aerosol can. |
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It is with great pleasure that I introduce these stories about feminine wiles.... |
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90 | (5) |
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Darwin Award: Military Intelligence |
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95 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Mile High Club Failure |
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97 | (4) |
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Darwin Award: Ultimate Quest for Airtime |
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101 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Right Over the Dam |
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102 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Love Struck |
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103 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Hurricane News Junkie |
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105 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Dying for a Ciggie |
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107 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Off-Road Driving |
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109 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: What I Can Still Do |
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110 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: A Fast Escape |
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111 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Gas Spill |
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112 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Stupid Car |
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113 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Air Freshener |
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115 | (2) |
| CHAPTER 4 Animals |
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117 | (32) |
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An animal might win a Darwin Award if it migrated in the wrong direction. |
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But in this chapter, animals are not the winners; they are the backdrop against which humans lose to Mother Nature. |
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Enjoy these stories about elephants, snakes, raccoons, chickens, bees, bugs, birds, eels, sharks, toads, horses, and bison—animals that have the misfortune to share the planet with clueless Homo sapiens. |
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Discussion: "Brother, Can You Spare a Banana?" |
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118 | (5) |
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Darwin Award: Mining for Elephants |
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123 | (1) |
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124 | (3) |
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Darwin Award: Elephant Tail |
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127 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: 'Hazard Befell Him" |
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128 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Chicken to Go |
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129 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: A Honey of a Buzz |
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131 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Kills Bugs Dead |
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132 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Parrot Hunter |
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133 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Eel Enema |
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135 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Warm Snakes |
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137 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Wades with Sharks |
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139 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Bufo marinus |
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141 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Dodging the Draft Horse |
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143 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Watch Where You're Going |
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144 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Shortcut Cut Short |
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145 | (4) |
| CHAPTER 5 Alcohol |
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149 | (32) |
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Alcohol plays a role in many Darwin Awards, but this is the first chapter devoted exclusively to the boneheaded things we do while inebriated. |
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Get ready for a spy device, freeway calisthenics, saliva, bar bets, sunglasses, revenge, a beer-filled condom, window glass, a drinking glass, auto repair, firecrackers, and a submarine. |
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Here are stories of inebriated innovations that make mice and monkeys cringe when we say we're related to them.... |
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Discussion: Endogenous Retroviruses and Evolution |
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150 | (5) |
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Darwin Award: Homemade Wine |
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155 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Freeway Dangler |
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157 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Spy vs. Self |
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158 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Failed Frame-up |
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159 | (4) |
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163 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Damned if You Do... |
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165 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Killer Shades |
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167 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: A Medical First at Oktoberfest |
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169 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Power Over Plate Glass |
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171 | (2) |
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Man with the Iron Stomach |
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173 | (8) |
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Personal Account: Volunteer Fireman |
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175 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Bullet-Brain |
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177 | (2) |
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Personal Account: BlackCats in the Pants |
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179 | (2) |
| CHAPTER 6 Explosion/Fire |
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181 | (44) |
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Pyrotechnics aren't just for professionals; amateurs frequently find the allure of explosives too great to pass up. |
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With grenades, bombs, dynamite, gasoline, a mine detonator, electricity, ammunition, acetylene, chemicals, methane, lots of fireworks, a fire-breather, a bungee cord, and even a lava lamp, there's never a shortage of examples for fire-safety courses! |
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Discussion: Chicken Little Was Right |
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182 | (6) |
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Darwin Award: Chimney-Cleaning Grenade |
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188 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Unsafe and Insane |
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189 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Do-It-Yourself Land Mine |
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190 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: "Plug Me In" |
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191 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Workin' at the Car Wash |
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192 | (3) |
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Darwin Award: Rocketing to Glory |
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195 | (2) |
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Darwin Aware: The Army's a Blast |
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197 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Human Torch |
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199 | (1) |
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200 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Amateur Bomb inspector |
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202 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Firewalls |
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203 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Welding Warning |
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204 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Crotch Rocket |
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205 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Hot Pants |
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207 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Exploding Boat |
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209 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Exploding Outhouse |
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210 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Flaming Bungee Jump |
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211 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Cooking with Gas |
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213 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Cleaning Solution |
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215 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Tight Wad |
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216 | (3) |
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Personal Account: Medieval Flambé |
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219 | (3) |
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Personal Account: Pocket M80 |
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222 | (3) |
| CHAPTER 7 Weapons |
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225 | (24) |
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Whether wielded on the right side of the law, the wrong side, or side of the law at all, weapons tend to bite the hand that feeds them. |
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Guns, grenades, knives, bullets, and axes all hold a grudge against those who abuse them. |
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In the following stories, misused weapons themselves act as judge and jury to mete out their own form of justice.... |
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Discussion: Forensic Analysis: Achieving Justice |
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226 | (5) |
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Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise |
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231 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Exploding Ex-Tortionist |
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233 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Shooting Blanks |
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234 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Shoot'em Off |
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235 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Slaughterhouse Robbery |
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236 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Sharp Landing |
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237 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Nighttime Fun with Bullets |
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239 | (2) |
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Honorable Mention: Baked Bullet Surprise |
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241 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Self-Protection |
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242 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Testosterone, Chickens, and Guns |
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243 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Village Idiot |
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244 | (2) |
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Personal Account: Gun-Safety Nonsense |
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246 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Do What I Say, Not What I Do |
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247 | (2) |
| CHAPTER 8 Miscellaneous |
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249 | (34) |
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Some innovative Darwin Awards don't fall into predictable categories. |
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Enjoy the miscellaneous methods man has invented to bedevil himself, using thallium, an ice maker, trees, scaffolding, a confession, a nail gun, a homemade parachute, chocolate sauce, eletromagnets, an innocent paper-towel dispenser, and an auger—two different ways. |
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They are all examples that one should avoid emulating, if one wants to keep the body's metabolism running efficiently—or running at all! |
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Discussion: The Skinny on Fat |
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250 | (7) |
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Darwin Award: Watch Out for That Tree! |
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257 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Bannister to Heaven |
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258 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Flying Dutchman |
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259 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Caught in the Auger |
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260 | (2) |
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Darwin Award: Pancake Thief |
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262 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: All Wound Up |
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263 | (1) |
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Darwin Award: Catapult to Glory |
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264 | (3) |
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Darwin Award: Sizzling Scaffolding |
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267 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Serbian Tsunami |
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268 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: Hammer Head |
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269 | (3) |
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Honorable Mention: Oops, Did It Again |
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272 | (1) |
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Honorable Mention: White Russians |
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273 | (1) |
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274 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Hot Hot Chocolate |
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275 | (1) |
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Personal Account. The Bigger the Better |
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276 | (1) |
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Personal Account: Captain Magneto |
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277 | (501) |
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Persona! Account: Human Paper Towel |
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Personal Account: Juice Me Up! |
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280 | (3) |
| The End of the Universe |
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283 | (4) |
| Appendices |
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287 | (1) |
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288 | (1) |
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Biographies of Contributors |
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289 | (7) |
| Location Index |
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296 | (1) |
| Story Index |
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297 | |
Other versions by this Author
