AN INDISPENSABLE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE FOR EVERY WOMAN WHO HAS EVER TOLD HER PARTNER "REALLY, DON'T GO TO ANY TROUBLE FOR MY BIRTHDAY"...AND THEN BEEN DISAPPOINTED WHEN HE DIDN'T.He says: "That dress looks great! Let's buy it!" You hear: "He really loves being with me. I feel as though we've truly bonded."He means: "For the love of God, the last eight black dresses you tried on looked identical! Just buy one, so we can get home in time for the game!"InWhat Men Say, What Women Hear,Dr. Linda Papadopoulos tackles the saying, hearing, and listening gap between men and women that can complicate every step of a relationship, from first dates and first sex to meeting the parents and living happily ever after. An expert on Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which connects people's initial and often misguided perception of something to the emotional reaction that follows, Dr. Linda deconstructs the common thinking errors that can hinder communication -- such as personalizing everything ("He's in a bad mood. Clearly he's thinking of a way to dump me.") and jumping to conclusions ("He asked how much younger my sister is than me. I bet he thinks I look like an old bat compared to her.").By applying clinical techniques to fun -- and oh-so-familiar -- examples, Dr. Linda helps readers eliminate unnecessary relationship anxiety and reevaluate the way they think about themselves, their partners, and the world around them.

Introduction1 When He Says "Tomato," You Hear "I Hate You"2 Flirting and Courting: The Truth Behind "How Ya Doin'?"3 The Fun and Frustrating First Dates4 Welcome to Coupledom5 Let's Talk About Sex, Baby6 Confronting Commitment Issues7 Meeting the In-Laws8 Moving in Together9 Fighting Fair10 When He (or You) Cheats11 We Need to Talk12 Marriage Material13 A Real Life Happily Ever AfterSelected References

CHAPTER 1 When He Says "Tomato,"You Hear "I Hate You"James and Anna are on a dinner date. The restaurant is cozy, the food delicious, and the conversation effortless. Everything is going very well, until James looks at his watch.ANNA(warily):Going somewhere?JAMES(slightly bemused):No, just checking the time.ANNA: If you need to go...JAMES: No, I really just wanted to see the time.ANNA: Let's get the check. I need to be up early tomorrow.JAMES: Are you sure? The caramel ice cream they serve here is out of this world.Anna shakes her head. Exasperated, James pays the bill, and they drive home in uncomfortable silence, neither expecting to hear from the other again.Who hasn't experienced something similar? Everything is going great and then in a flash the mood sinks. You can't quite put your finger on why, but you know what he is saying is not what you want to hear. And that's the thing about dating. Even though it's a great way to spend a Friday night, it also reveals the sometimes enormous gap between what is said by a man and what is heard by a woman and vice versa.Yet, with a few simple tools, it's easy to crack the code and understand what the opposite sex really means. There are of course key differences in the way that men and women communicate, but both women and men are guilty of Common Thinking Errors (CTEs). These are irrational or erroneous beliefs that we hold about ourselves, another person, or a particular situation. Like when we make wrong assumptions about what other people are thinking and feeling, based on our past experiences. For example, your ex-boyfriend used to make fun of the size of your ankles, so when your new boyfriend praises you in jeans you might hear "You look great in jeans because they cover up those hideous ankles."The point is that our thoughts are integral to the way that we relate to a situation emotionally. First wethink,and then we have an emotional reaction based on that thought. Returning to the earlier example, when Anna saw James looking at his watch, she assumed he wanted to leave. Makes sense in her mind, since that was the wayshegot out of boring situations at parties: Look at your watch, say you're tired, and then excuse yourself. It never occurred to her that just because this was the wayshedid things it didn't necessarily mean that it was the way that her date did them. We're all guilty of this bias because making sense of the world means learning how to categorize like things. As babies we figure out that four-legged animals that gowoofare all dogs. As women we figure out that two-legged mammals that wolf whistle as you walk by are all...you get the picture. We group things because it allows us to understand them more easily.This strategy of remembering the past to help make decisions about the future does make sense in a lot of ways. Imagine eating a pretty red berry from the forest that promptly made you sick. It's important that you remember this in order to avoid being sick from red berries in the future. Now imagine a young, blond corporate lawyer with a southern drawl who broke your heart. Consciously or not you will begin to categorize features like "lawyer," "blond," and "southern drawl" to potentially mean things about other people and the way they will treat you. This type of irrational thinking extends not only to features of previous boyfriends but to messages that we received from others growing up. From your mom to the class bully, each and every one of your interactions will have to a lesser or greater degree affected the way you react toward the world around you. They're the origins and unwitting triggers of divisive Common Thinking Errors. Understanding and being able to contend with these CTEs is vital if you are going to be able to really hear and accurately interpret the words of others.Th